I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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