He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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