God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
