please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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