It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
