wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
