i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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