You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
