***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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