checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
