If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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