2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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