I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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