Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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