I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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