Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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