I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
