I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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