So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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