he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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