I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
