420 ftw
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
