Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
