Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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