Quick, to the slutcave!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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