I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
