the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Randomize
