i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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