I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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