I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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