you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
