3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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