Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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