she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
