; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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