Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
