I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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