nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
