I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
