Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
