We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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