I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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