So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
