I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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