im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.