2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone