I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
