If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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