im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
