my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
