So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
It was confusing and full of hummus
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
