I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
