I love black thongs
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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