Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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