you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
