life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
