whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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