I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
