And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
